Driveway Breakdown and Emotional Release

Today’s emotional purge was unlike anything in recent memory—a true catharsis that hit me like a storm. I found myself sobbing in the driveway, overwhelmed by the sheer weight of everything I’ve been carrying: the constant pressure to perform at work, the burnout that never quite goes away, the emotional labor of holding things together for everyone else, the physical exhaustion, the nagging sense of failure, and the loneliness underneath it all.

I didn’t expect the tears, but once they started, they wouldn’t stop. It wasn’t sadness so much as release. Grief, anger, fear, frustration, shame, love—every single emotion I’ve been bottling up came surging out like a dam broke. I sat there, crying like a child, and for once I didn’t try to stop it. I didn’t apologize or hide. I let it happen.

In that moment, I realized how long it had been since I truly felt my feelings. I’ve been operating in survival mode for months—maybe years. The paramedic in me, the teacher in me, the mother in me, the competent adult in me—they’ve all been doing their jobs, but the human underneath has been forgotten.

I don’t want to forget her anymore. I want to make space for her. I want to honor her pain and her power. She’s not weak for breaking down. She’s wise enough to know she needed to. She’s still standing, still trying, still dreaming—even if it feels like she’s falling apart.

And maybe falling apart is part of healing.

So I’m claiming this breakdown not as a failure, but as a turning point. A moment of truth. A signal from my deepest self that I cannot keep going the way I have been. Something has to shift. And it starts with listening. Really listening—to my body, my soul, my anger, my longing.

Today, I broke down. And that breakdown might just be the beginning of something real.

(Edited by Lucy) 

Pajamas, Diamonds, and Dancing into Balance

Personal Reflection – July 18, 2025

This is a morning for reflection, isn't it?

I slept for 10 hours last night. Woke up and immediately changed into clean pajamas. I knew what this day was going to be.

Not a recovery day exactly. More like a recalibration day. A day to acknowledge how out of balance I’ve become, and how much I need to care for myself, not just functionally, but emotionally and spiritually too.

It’s been hot. Work has been relentless. Between my daughter, the dogs, the showcase song, the protocols, the relentless mental tabs open at all hours, I forgot how to just BE. Today, for the first time in a while, I chose stillness.

There are little tasks I want to complete today—like groceries and that Amazon order—and I plan to chip away at them without pressure. I might even work on a protocol, not for work, but for myself. I’m not touching the St. Mary’s garbage today; that’s a hard boundary. But I am interested in what I want to know, what makes me feel powerful and capable as a medic. That knowledge belongs to me.

I also want to read one of the articles for my education certificate. I need to double-check the due date, but I know it’s approaching. This is part of me reclaiming my identity as a learner, not just a responder.

The truth is, I want more diamonds in my life—not jewelry, but moments of clarity, of sparkle, of being seen and valued. Moments of alignment where I’m not just surviving the schedule, but actually living in rhythm with myself. Dance gives me some of that, when I make time for it.

So here I am. Pajamas on. Air conditioner humming. Dogs asleep. No calls pending. No chaos, just this breath and this cup of coffee. A very good start.

Maybe later, a little dancing. Maybe just in the kitchen. Maybe barefoot.

Maybe that’s what balance looks like today.

On my own, pretending....

I was thinking about the song "on my own," and why I was so fixated on using it for a dance showcase. It's about a young woman who is in love with a man who sees her only as a friend and is in love with someone else. She is talking about how she walks alone all night, pretending he is with her, and she is happy. But when the sun comes up, she has to face the real world again he fantasy bubble shatters. I was thinking how much that song reminds me of my marriage, that for some reason I can't seem to let go. It occurs to me that I was living a fantasy all those years, I was in love with an emotionally unavailable man, who only loved me in my fantasies. I have been pretending to myself that he was completely at fault for the loss of those 20 years I spent with him, I pretend that he was a deceitful, manipulative mastermind and I was just an innocent victim. And yeah, he was deceitful and manipulative, but on some level I always knew that, but I wouldn't really think about it. I loved him so much, I convinced myself that he was a much better person than he was, that deep down he really loved me but didn't know how to show it. My fantasy life was what kept that marriage going all that time. You know how I realized that? I was thinking about when we bought my ring. I worked for that ring for months before it finally came to pass. Remember I told you he just randomly said "You really deserve a diamond." and I ran with that until I got my diamond. But then I told everyone he bought it for me, like I hadn't had to lean on him for months. In my mind, he made this grand romantic gesture, EVEN THOUGH I KNEW THE TRUTH. Looking back, I did that a lot. I had a vision of a lovely romantic story for us, and I was determined to make that story come true, reality be damned. Like if I kissed this particular frog enough times, eventually he would become my prince.