Faith in Brigid

I had an interesting and actually kind of wonderful moment this morning. I currently have a morning ritual with Brigid where I pour a cup of coffee for each of us and sit down in front of her altar with my breakfast. Usually I listen to something or read something of a spiritual nature, and then I talk to her for a few minutes before I put out the candle and go about my day.

But I was talking to her this morning about being afraid to do the next step in my therapy. I asked her to hold my hand and walk through it with me, and in that moment I knew what I needed to do. I needed to light a candle when I sit down with it intentionally and treat it as a spiritual practice and a necessary part of healing, because it is.

And in the end I said, “I have faith that you will be there with me,” and that was a huge moment for me spiritually because, even though I have occasionally asked Jesus for help, I always felt like there were so many people asking Jesus for help that there was no chance my prayers would get through — kind of like being a low-level bidder in a huge auction. I never really had faith that anything would happen, even though a few times it did. And I don’t think I ever just said, “I have faith in you, and I believe you will be here for me.” As strange as it is, just slightly peculiar at the time, I don’t think I would normally say or think that. But thinking about it, I realize it was really monumental: the first time in 57 years I’ve actually had faith in a deity to do something for me.

Maybe it’s just because the thing I asked wasn’t huge. It was just, “Be with me.” And that’s another thing — my faith practice is so different from what it has ever been before. I borrowed the coffee idea from John at Irish Pagan School because he says his morning ritual is to pour a cup of coffee for himself and one for the Dagda and just sit and talk. Probably his was a little more formal, more on the order of a business meeting, but the idea of just sharing my morning coffee with her felt right, and I’ve been doing that for a couple of weeks now.

I also realized that I’ve never spent time with a deity like that before — just hanging out. I wonder if this is what people mean when they say that Jesus is their personal Lord and Savior. I kind of felt like what they meant was Jesus died on the cross specifically for me and no one else, when obviously he made that sacrifice for all of humankind. But those are also people who talk about getting up early so they can spend time praying and reading their Bible without being disturbed, so maybe this is that. Maybe that’s what they mean.

Anyway, I feel like this represents something big for me. It’s not just wearing a cross or reading something or passively soaking up a podcast, and it’s certainly not any kind of spell or elaborate prayer from my childhood. It’s just what it is. It’s just being.