The link between beauty and stress

 I have to admit, looking shabby makes me feel stressed. I'm not sure why this should be, except that shabby just does not suit myself image. Looking in the mirror, or looking at my feet, or looking at my nails and seeing an image that doesn't match who I think I am creates a great deal of cognitive dissonance. Quite a bit of my brain power literally goes to resolving who I think I am and what I think I should look like, versus the way I look to other people and what I think they are seeing. For instance, in my mind I have long thick red hair and that red is my natural color. I have a whole identity built around being a redhead. When I know I don't look like a redhead and I have to invest on energy resolving that in my mind I look like Jean Gray but in my mirror I just look Gray. I feel like people think less of a person who looks old or who can't cover their gray hair or their Roots growing out. I used to think this was vanity and that I shouldn't be bothered. Now I see it more as authenticity and adjusting my factual reality to suit my internal reality. In my mind, this is a similar process to training physically so I can be a badass firefighter paramedic, rather than just wishing I could be a badass fighter paramedic but settling for being a lazy core medic at Superior. Thank goodness buying a box of hair color is a quick and easy way to get a lift. Not everything worthwhile has to take a month before you see results.

Why I feel like a weirdo, even in mental health circles

 I feel like an oddball even at day Hospital. I figured out it's because I'm not dealing with the same struggles I see my peers dealing with. Other people are trying to learn how to express emotions or conquer anxiety or learn to express themselves. But those aren't my struggles. My struggles are about keeping a schedule, not losing the bills before I can pay them, and holding a job. I struggle with knowing when to eat and sleep. I literally struggle with knowing when to use the bathroom. I've already done a lot of therapy about anxiety and emotions and the things most of my peers are dealing with now. As mental health skills go, I think I'm pretty good at that sort of thing. But the problem is, I can't do basic things.