The Origin of the Fire

There was no blueprint. No grand plan. Not even a conscious decision. The fire came from somewhere deep and early—before language, before mentors, before books. Erin looked around as a child and instinctively knew something was wrong. Not just morally wrong—illogical. She questioned why a loving God would create people designed to fail. Why pain and cruelty were part of nature. Why suffering was the norm in a world supposedly created by love.

She didn’t have the words for it yet. But there was always that inner sense of this is fucked up.

Then came the mentor—the horse lady—who offered structure, possibility, and belonging. The fire had already been lit, but now it had direction. Horses. Books. Thinking. Seeing. Asking. Always asking.

This wasn’t rebellion. This was clarity. This was a soul not content to swallow lies. Not content to comply just because others did. The fire was born of injustice and stoked by curiosity. Even before Erin knew what to do with it, it was already burning.

So when others ask, "How did you get out?" they assume there was a map. A rescue. A turning point. But the truth is—she was always leaving.

The fire is the origin story.

Missing my past selves

I was thinking, I pretty much lost 20 years of my life down the vortex of my marriage. I was 31 years old when I started dating him, and 52 when I left. Then I spent 3 years in paramedic school and coming to terms with my bipolar. Only in the last year or so have I really started to have fun.

So yes, I am making up for lost time. That is why I am always out doing something and having fun. Dancing has done a lot to restore my confidence in myself. I feel much more like the person I was pre-marriage.

Let me tell you about late-20's me. I was beautiful. Beauty is power, and I had a lot of fun wielding that power. I was smart AF. I was a lot more selfish than I am now, and a little immature. But I was ambitious. I had my life planned out. I bought a condo that I intended to use for a rental property some day. I was a little cocky, too, but why not? I was an honor student working on my pre-meds, a homeowner at 27, on track for a great career, and drop-dead gorgeous. Best of all, I really liked being me. I had all the confidence in the world.

Then I was thinking about married me. Married me had a lot of problems, most of which were caused by the marriage. The slow erosion of my confidence, my intentional self-erasure in order to be a "good wife," my pathological phobia of abandonment, the desperate need to be loved by him, the intentional re-writing of history in order to suit my fantasy... it wasn't that I was weak. He knew how to trigger my worst fears and play on them. He actively set about destroying those parts of myself that I liked the best. When he was done with me, I no longer felt beautiful or powerful or sexy or smart. I felt like something that had been chewed up and spit out.

But married me had a lot going on, too. I think I was a pretty good mother most of the time. I wanted Riley to become an independent, life-long learner, and she is. I was extremely capable, in different ways. I taught Riley how to read and do math. I managed, in spite of my undiagnosed ADHD and bipolar, to juggle her many activities as well as family road trips and free museum days. Since we were always broke but not quite broke enough to get food assistance, I made a part-time career of going to food pantries. I came home and cooked everything from scratch. I could make soup out of undesirable crap like broccoli stems and applesauce out of the raggedy, worm-infested apples from my tree. I raised chickens for eggs and kept a worm bin for compost. I made a lot of things myself. I was definitely in a Little House on the Prairie era. I didn't like myself much at the time, but looking back, I can see I was pretty bad-ass, especially considering what I was up against.

The point was, there are aspects of all my past selves that I like. Today I was missing the me that made bread from scratch and knew dozens of things to cook with eggs and made jam out of surplus frozen berries from the food pantry. Yeah, she had problems, but I miss being her—with that level of competency in the kitchen and running a house. It seems like with each iteration of me, the best qualities of the previous one are lost. I want the best qualities of all my past selves.

Dear future boyfriend

 

Even though we haven't met, I'm excited because I know the day is coming. I can't wait to get to know you and find out all the things that make you uniquely you. 

Each of us have our own lives that are full and complete. We are both happy and fulfilled in our lives as they are. Neither of us feels they need another person to complete them. We both View a romantic relationship as a wonderful addition to an already good life.

We both live lives of purpose. We both stand up for causes we believe in. We give some of our time the community and in doing for others.

We enjoy a lot of the same things, and most importantly both enjoy trying new things. Even if you're not typically an outdoorsy person, you will try hiking, kayaking, bike riding, horseback riding, snowshoeing, and skiing with me. Likewise, I will enjoy sharing your hobbies and interest with you. It would be so exciting to join you in New activities, meet new friends, and learn all about the things that excite you and bring you Joy. I look forward to having Adventures that are new to both of us as well.

We are both Wicked smart, curious, and interested in the world around us. We will have great conversations about politics, current events, science, and so many other things. I have a feeling that NPR and coffee will become a morning tradition for us.

We both value the same things in a relationship. We value open, direct, honest communication, mutual respect, honest and transparent discussions of emotions. We also understand how important it is to own our own issues and fix our own s***. We don't blame each other for our problems or use passive aggressive language. If we have an issue we face it head on, together. We don't make enemies of each other, rather, we work together to find solutions. We don't try to dominate each other or win arguments. When we do fight, we fight fair.

We both believe a relationship should be a safe place for both of us. We both put in the effort to make our relationship a space where the other can flourish. We support each other and challenge each other. When things get tough, we give each other a soft place to land. We are deeply comfortable with each other. This relationship feels like home.

We will come to be each other's best friends, with benefits. We both believe in building an emotional connection before a physical connection. Once we do become physical, sex will be like the rest of our relationship. It will be fun, adventuresome, full of variety, and emotionally intimate.

We both have a growth mindset. We Believe in learning and growing the rest of our lives. I don't just mean intellectual Pursuit, although of course that's important. I also mean that we are both committed to Growing emotionally. We have both done the work of healing our past traumas. I currently go to therapy, and so do you. Or maybe you have years of therapy behind you or are in a 12-step program for some other lifelong recovery program. Either way, you are as emotionally intelligent as you are intellectually intelligent.

Every intelligent person I know is neurodivergent and has some sort of Chaos in their life. Fortunately you and I each have our own brand of chaos, which doesn't add to the others chaos. We can balance each other through the turbulent and chaotic times. We will come out the other side stronger as a couple.

Shit I am never going to do to myself again

 

Let anyone talk me into doing something that I believe is morally wrong

Let anyone disrespect me

Let anyone cross my boundaries

Put up with people who don't respect boundaries

Stay silent when I know I should speak up

Listen to the bullshit voices in my head that tell me I can't do something. This would include any comment about being too sick, too fragile, too old, too weak, too broke, Etc

Tell myself something doesn't matter to me when actually it does.

Shame myself or let anyone else shame me for the things that matter to me

Tell myself that my needs come a boundaries, or priorities are less important than someone else's

Expect anyone to read my mind

Listen to a person's words rather than watch their actions

Let fear control me

Worry what other people think of me. Admittedly, this one is going to take some work.

Pretend to be something I'm not so that someone else will like me

Hide my badass light under a bushel because I'm afraid to outshine somebody else

Depend on a man for anything

Get into a living situation with a man where I don't have my own home to fall back on