How did my marriage end up the way it did?

 It started because I was vulnerable. I was fragile from dealing with Rick's cancer and even more so after he died. Ted stepped in and filled in some of the gaps in my life. He was supportive, and he held me when I cried. He was companionship because I had lost my beloved and The Sisterhood within a year's time and I was so so lonely. He provided physical comfort in the form of sex. I didn't know sex can actually create emotions and the illusion of intimacy. And I didn't realize that Ted was actually so invested in me being vulnerable. When I got pregnant, and then when Riley was born I was even more of an emotional mess. I was separated from the few friends I had. My mother and Len were absolutely no help to me at all. I didn't know how to meet other mothers. I literally had no one to lean on but him. I didn't know he was creating a trauma Bond by repeatedly pretending to support me and then pulling the rug out from under me. To be fair, I don't think he understood exactly what was going on either. I think it was more like he just found fun in building me up and tearing me down without any real thought about the result.  After a while, I became just as invested in keeping the relationship. Since I knew his interest in me was tied to my weakness, I worked hard to keep myself weak. Because my life was so filled with loss and the loss of Rick had hurt me so deeply, I was willing to do almost anything to keep the marriage going. I did everything I could imagine to try and be a good wife, because I wanted him to love me the way I thought he had in the beginning. I held on to hope for so long because I didn't want to be alone. I've been thinking a lot about how our marriage came to the point of his infidelity. And I've come to these conclusions. I was not at fault for his infidelity or for the failure of the marriage. His emotional immaturity was the reason the marriage failed and the reason he felt justified in cheating on me. As for sticking around until it came to that and then even worse, that was on me. I should have walked out, years before I did. I should have let go of hoping he would change. I should have paid attention to his action and not his words

Who I believe God is

 I believe that God is infinite. I believe that an infinite God can appear in infinite shapes and infinite forms looks different in every culture. I believe God can have an infinite number of faces and whether people believe they are seeing one face of one god, or the faces of many gods, they are all seeing the same God. I believe God's love is for all people, no matter who they are or how they live.  I believe we are all born with a spark of the Devine and a streak of darkness within us, and who we become depends on which tendency we nurture. I believe people can change which tendency they nurture at any time. I believe salvation is nothing more than seeing and reaching out to divine in every person.

Dear future boyfriend

 

Even though we haven't met, I'm excited because I know the day is coming. I can't wait to get to know you and find out all the things that make you uniquely you. 

Each of us have our own lives that are full and complete. We are both happy and fulfilled in our lives as they are. Neither of us feels they need another person to complete them. We both View a romantic relationship as a wonderful addition to an already good life.

We both live lives of purpose. We both stand up for causes we believe in. We give some of our time the community and in doing for others.

We enjoy a lot of the same things, and most importantly both enjoy trying new things. Even if you're not typically an outdoorsy person, you will try hiking, kayaking, bike riding, horseback riding, snowshoeing, and skiing with me. Likewise, I will enjoy sharing your hobbies and interest with you. It would be so exciting to join you in New activities, meet new friends, and learn all about the things that excite you and bring you Joy. I look forward to having Adventures that are new to both of us as well.

We are both Wicked smart, curious, and interested in the world around us. We will have great conversations about politics, current events, science, and so many other things. I have a feeling that NPR and coffee will become a morning tradition for us.

We both value the same things in a relationship. We value open, direct, honest communication, mutual respect, honest and transparent discussions of emotions. We also understand how important it is to own our own issues and fix our own s***. We don't blame each other for our problems or use passive aggressive language. If we have an issue we face it head on, together. We don't make enemies of each other, rather, we work together to find solutions. We don't try to dominate each other or win arguments. When we do fight, we fight fair.

We both believe a relationship should be a safe place for both of us. We both put in the effort to make our relationship a space where the other can flourish. We support each other and challenge each other. When things get tough, we give each other a soft place to land. We are deeply comfortable with each other. This relationship feels like home.

We will come to be each other's best friends, with benefits. We both believe in building an emotional connection before a physical connection. Once we do become physical, sex will be like the rest of our relationship. It will be fun, adventuresome, full of variety, and emotionally intimate.

We both have a growth mindset. We Believe in learning and growing the rest of our lives. I don't just mean intellectual Pursuit, although of course that's important. I also mean that we are both committed to Growing emotionally. We have both done the work of healing our past traumas. I currently go to therapy, and so do you. Or maybe you have years of therapy behind you or are in a 12-step program for some other lifelong recovery program. Either way, you are as emotionally intelligent as you are intellectually intelligent.

Every intelligent person I know is neurodivergent and has some sort of Chaos in their life. Fortunately you and I each have our own brand of chaos, which doesn't add to the others chaos. We can balance each other through the turbulent and chaotic times. We will come out the other side stronger as a couple.

Shit I am never going to do to myself again

 

Let anyone talk me into doing something that I believe is morally wrong

Let anyone disrespect me

Let anyone cross my boundaries

Put up with people who don't respect boundaries

Stay silent when I know I should speak up

Listen to the bullshit voices in my head that tell me I can't do something. This would include any comment about being too sick, too fragile, too old, too weak, too broke, Etc

Tell myself something doesn't matter to me when actually it does.

Shame myself or let anyone else shame me for the things that matter to me

Tell myself that my needs come a boundaries, or priorities are less important than someone else's

Expect anyone to read my mind

Listen to a person's words rather than watch their actions

Let fear control me

Worry what other people think of me. Admittedly, this one is going to take some work.

Pretend to be something I'm not so that someone else will like me

Hide my badass light under a bushel because I'm afraid to outshine somebody else

Depend on a man for anything

Get into a living situation with a man where I don't have my own home to fall back on

Why I feel like a weirdo, even in mental health circles

 I feel like an oddball even at day Hospital. I figured out it's because I'm not dealing with the same struggles I see my peers dealing with. Other people are trying to learn how to express emotions or conquer anxiety or learn to express themselves. But those aren't my struggles. My struggles are about keeping a schedule, not losing the bills before I can pay them, and holding a job. I struggle with knowing when to eat and sleep. I literally struggle with knowing when to use the bathroom. I've already done a lot of therapy about anxiety and emotions and the things most of my peers are dealing with now. As mental health skills go, I think I'm pretty good at that sort of thing. But the problem is, I can't do basic things.

Max and Scout on our last trip to LaSalle before we moved to Indiana

 

God damn you, husband.

  (In the first place, there is no guartanty I am going to really publish this one. But I need to write it.) 

Dear Husband:

God damn you. God damn you for being a liar from the very start.  God damn you for pretending to be the man I needed.  For pretending to be supportive of my dreams and for figuring out how to feel like my safe place, even though apparently you never were.  

God damn you for every time you told me it would be ok.  For every time you promised to change. For the times it seemed like you really were changing and I fell for it.  God damn you for abusing my hope and my faith in you.  God damn you for taking advantage of my optimism and my love for you, my patience and my kindness and my good will and good nature.  

God damn you for wasting all these years of my life.  Damn you for the kids I never had and the career I abandoned because I put you first.  Damn you for not being the man I always believed you could be.  Damn you for not making the effort.  

And while we are at it, damn you for being a rotten father for the one child we did have.  Damn you for the emotional neglect and the name calling and the sly verbal abuse when I wan't around to see it.  Damn you for being a rotten example of any possible virtue I tried to instill, for not teaching your son how to be a decent adult.  Damn you for the problems with relationships and people he will have to struggle to overcome.  Damn you for all the completely unnecessary pain you have created in this young person who you helped bring into this world.  Damn you for destroying our family. Damn you for not even trying to save it.  

Damn you and your stupid stroke.  It is entirely your own fault, you know.  You made the decision to go to sleep instead of going to the emergency room.  You knew what the consequences could be.  You laid your lazy self down in this bed, had a stroke, and left me to deal with the consequences.  Now you are going about your life as you choose, and I am left behind in all this pain.  Damn you and your laziness and your selfishness. Damn you, you son of a bitch.

And damn that bitch, too, the miserable cow.  Damn her for continuing the abuse cycle left over from her own bastard of a father.  Damn her for the cruelty she laid on you, because she would rather neglect and damage her own children  than break that chain.  Damn her for her cowardice, her laziness, and her selfish need for....for whatever it was. 

Damn your father, too for letting her get away with it.  And damn my parents, for the same reasons.  We all have our pain, but when we become parents, we have a responsibility to get over ourselves and be the best people we can for our children.  Damn all of them for not putting on their big-kid pants and being better parents. Screw them. Screw you.

And damn me, too.  I let you do this to me for so long.  I kept believing your lies, even when I knew I shouldn't.  Damn me for all the times I didn't leave when I knew I should.  For all the times I let you get the better of me. Damn me for all the screaming arguments when I didn't shield our son from the violence.  All the times I focused on my own pain and misery and didn't protect him.