The link between beauty and stress

 I have to admit, looking shabby makes me feel stressed. I'm not sure why this should be, except that shabby just does not suit myself image. Looking in the mirror, or looking at my feet, or looking at my nails and seeing an image that doesn't match who I think I am creates a great deal of cognitive dissonance. Quite a bit of my brain power literally goes to resolving who I think I am and what I think I should look like, versus the way I look to other people and what I think they are seeing. For instance, in my mind I have long thick red hair and that red is my natural color. I have a whole identity built around being a redhead. When I know I don't look like a redhead and I have to invest on energy resolving that in my mind I look like Jean Gray but in my mirror I just look Gray. I feel like people think less of a person who looks old or who can't cover their gray hair or their Roots growing out. I used to think this was vanity and that I shouldn't be bothered. Now I see it more as authenticity and adjusting my factual reality to suit my internal reality. In my mind, this is a similar process to training physically so I can be a badass firefighter paramedic, rather than just wishing I could be a badass fighter paramedic but settling for being a lazy core medic at Superior. Thank goodness buying a box of hair color is a quick and easy way to get a lift. Not everything worthwhile has to take a month before you see results.

Being energetically prepared to do a thing

 This seems weird to say at this point in my life, but I realized just now that energy is an actual dimension of my ability to cope in the world. That's not quite how I meant it to come out but it's hard to explain. For example, I frequently feel as if I'm not emotionally prepared to cope with something, like when Riley is having a meltdown at the same time I'm having my own emotions. Or I may feel unprepared to intellectually cope with something, like a test I didn't study for or don't understand the material for. I might not feel physically prepared, like when I took the SAR Agility Test and thought I was going to fail because I hadn't practiced. But just now I was thinking about something I could do if I wanted to, but then realized I'm not energetically prepared for it. I'm tired. I went into work tired yesterday morning and then I slept on a stretcher all night, and had a weird strange dream about killing my mother. I simply don't have the energy to do it right now. I could push myself, but the experience would be unpleasant for me and I wouldn't be giving my best. Regulating my energy is a huge part of managing my bipolar. Learning to recognize when I just don't have the energy to do something, or when expending the energy to do something now means I will not have the energy in reserve to do something later, has been a huge part of learning to manage my bipolar. Having a way to describe this feeling, to be able to say I'm not energetically prepared to do a thing, will help me label the feeling in the future.

A visit to LaSalle

 Coming back to LaSalle usually gives me a Bittersweet feeling. It's beautiful here. It's wild and open full of life. Today we saw otters and maybe beavers, Canada geese, swallows, cardinals, Blue Jays, wood ducks, and turtles I can hear songbirds and woodpeckers and frogs. There are some people out on the water but it's mostly silent. This place s o o t h s my soul as much as it ever did. It also brings back memories from my marriage. It reminds me of peaceful times walking together out here. Sometimes we used to take night hikes. It was originally Ted's idea to bring the dogs out here in the winter time and let them run. Every time I come here I have to Grapple with those memories compared to the reality of how my marriage really was. I'm trying to come to terms with knowing that two things can be true at the same time. On the w h o l e, my marriage sucked. Ted is not a good man and he went out of his way to hurt me. He saw to it that everything I tried to do got ruined, and almost every dream was thwarted. I lived through a lot of pain. But it's also true that those years were studded with good moments. There are happy memories. My memory holds snapshots of good, pure, real moments. They were there. They were fleeting. Ted simply didn't have the wherewithal for the innate character to be the man I needed over the long term. Those good moments were few and far between. Even though I tried, I couldn't string them together into an overall good marriage. I'm pretty sure I have journaled about something like this before every time I come back here it strikes me again.

Things I did wrong in my marriage

 1. Didn't have strong boundaries

2. Try to love unconditionally rather than applying natural consequences

3. I believed my love could change a man who didn't want to change

4. I held on to his idealized false self even after he showed me his true self repeatedly 

5. I didn't pay attention to early red flags

6. I took on far too much of the responsibility to make the marriage work

7. I stayed when I should have left.

How did my marriage end up the way it did?

 It started because I was vulnerable. I was fragile from dealing with Rick's cancer and even more so after he died. Ted stepped in and filled in some of the gaps in my life. He was supportive, and he held me when I cried. He was companionship because I had lost my beloved and The Sisterhood within a year's time and I was so so lonely. He provided physical comfort in the form of sex. I didn't know sex can actually create emotions and the illusion of intimacy. And I didn't realize that Ted was actually so invested in me being vulnerable. When I got pregnant, and then when Riley was born I was even more of an emotional mess. I was separated from the few friends I had. My mother and Len were absolutely no help to me at all. I didn't know how to meet other mothers. I literally had no one to lean on but him. I didn't know he was creating a trauma Bond by repeatedly pretending to support me and then pulling the rug out from under me. To be fair, I don't think he understood exactly what was going on either. I think it was more like he just found fun in building me up and tearing me down without any real thought about the result.  After a while, I became just as invested in keeping the relationship. Since I knew his interest in me was tied to my weakness, I worked hard to keep myself weak. Because my life was so filled with loss and the loss of Rick had hurt me so deeply, I was willing to do almost anything to keep the marriage going. I did everything I could imagine to try and be a good wife, because I wanted him to love me the way I thought he had in the beginning. I held on to hope for so long because I didn't want to be alone. I've been thinking a lot about how our marriage came to the point of his infidelity. And I've come to these conclusions. I was not at fault for his infidelity or for the failure of the marriage. His emotional immaturity was the reason the marriage failed and the reason he felt justified in cheating on me. As for sticking around until it came to that and then even worse, that was on me. I should have walked out, years before I did. I should have let go of hoping he would change. I should have paid attention to his action and not his words

Who I believe God is

 I believe that God is infinite. I believe that an infinite God can appear in infinite shapes and infinite forms looks different in every culture. I believe God can have an infinite number of faces and whether people believe they are seeing one face of one god, or the faces of many gods, they are all seeing the same God. I believe God's love is for all people, no matter who they are or how they live.  I believe we are all born with a spark of the Devine and a streak of darkness within us, and who we become depends on which tendency we nurture. I believe people can change which tendency they nurture at any time. I believe salvation is nothing more than seeing and reaching out to divine in every person.

Dear future boyfriend

 

Even though we haven't met, I'm excited because I know the day is coming. I can't wait to get to know you and find out all the things that make you uniquely you. 

Each of us have our own lives that are full and complete. We are both happy and fulfilled in our lives as they are. Neither of us feels they need another person to complete them. We both View a romantic relationship as a wonderful addition to an already good life.

We both live lives of purpose. We both stand up for causes we believe in. We give some of our time the community and in doing for others.

We enjoy a lot of the same things, and most importantly both enjoy trying new things. Even if you're not typically an outdoorsy person, you will try hiking, kayaking, bike riding, horseback riding, snowshoeing, and skiing with me. Likewise, I will enjoy sharing your hobbies and interest with you. It would be so exciting to join you in New activities, meet new friends, and learn all about the things that excite you and bring you Joy. I look forward to having Adventures that are new to both of us as well.

We are both Wicked smart, curious, and interested in the world around us. We will have great conversations about politics, current events, science, and so many other things. I have a feeling that NPR and coffee will become a morning tradition for us.

We both value the same things in a relationship. We value open, direct, honest communication, mutual respect, honest and transparent discussions of emotions. We also understand how important it is to own our own issues and fix our own s***. We don't blame each other for our problems or use passive aggressive language. If we have an issue we face it head on, together. We don't make enemies of each other, rather, we work together to find solutions. We don't try to dominate each other or win arguments. When we do fight, we fight fair.

We both believe a relationship should be a safe place for both of us. We both put in the effort to make our relationship a space where the other can flourish. We support each other and challenge each other. When things get tough, we give each other a soft place to land. We are deeply comfortable with each other. This relationship feels like home.

We will come to be each other's best friends, with benefits. We both believe in building an emotional connection before a physical connection. Once we do become physical, sex will be like the rest of our relationship. It will be fun, adventuresome, full of variety, and emotionally intimate.

We both have a growth mindset. We Believe in learning and growing the rest of our lives. I don't just mean intellectual Pursuit, although of course that's important. I also mean that we are both committed to Growing emotionally. We have both done the work of healing our past traumas. I currently go to therapy, and so do you. Or maybe you have years of therapy behind you or are in a 12-step program for some other lifelong recovery program. Either way, you are as emotionally intelligent as you are intellectually intelligent.

Every intelligent person I know is neurodivergent and has some sort of Chaos in their life. Fortunately you and I each have our own brand of chaos, which doesn't add to the others chaos. We can balance each other through the turbulent and chaotic times. We will come out the other side stronger as a couple.